100 Hours of Humo(u)r – Hour 34: Contain Yourself

By Barbara Samuels

[Better late than never: Barbara entered this story for our “In the News” flash humor writing contest earlier.]


In Heloise’s column the other day a reader sent in the following tip: “Carry an empty pill bottle in your purse in order to have a safe place to put any stones that fall out of your jewelry.” Call me crazy, but how often does this woman lose her stones and has anyone ever been focused on a diamond the moment it popped out of its socket?

The news, black as the ink with which it’s printed, is often too much to bear.  I have eliminated reading everything save the comics, editorials, television guide, and Heloise. The only parts left that I can digest as easily as I do my morning protein shake.

As a result of  the “catch your jewels” tip, I’ll be downsizing to three sections.

After I turned to today’s editorials, the number will most likely drop to two.

An offensive letter entitled, Loud Mouths, Loose Feet, displayed the caption: “Movie goers at a recent showing were victimized by an immature group of older residents.”

A young man complained about four seniors sitting behind him one afternoon at the movie theater. Apparently the white-haired group talked throughout and one of the quartet repeatedly kicked his seat during the showing. He was livid and wrote, “I would think that by the time someone reaches a respectable retirement age, he or she would have learned not to act like a jackass.”

I’ve seen my share of jackasses and the crime committed at the theater wouldn’t even be considered donkey behavior.

In a weird way I’m relieved the elders were even noticed. Being a senior myself, I think it’s high time we created a bit of ruckus. For years I’ve been bombarded with cell phone conversations as loud as Liberace’s outfits, endured kicking from non-supervised children, and forced to extricate greasy popcorn from a variety of body parts. All the while suffering in silence.

I might have suggested today’s editorial writer speak to the perpetrators during the show. Perhaps he’d find out several members had hearing issues and were forced to rely on their friends to understand the dialog. The woman probably kicked the back of his seat due to involuntary motion stemming from medical problems. If he had taken a moment to speak to the group, I find it hard to believe things couldn’t have been resolved.

My suggestion for Loud Mouth, Loose Feet, is to grow up, give the seniors some slack, go to the theater after nightfall, and find a bigger issue to complain about.

And if he still insists on sending letters to the editor, I suggest he write about more important things in life such as losing one’s marbles and not having a container to place them in.

Humor writing online courses

Dave Fox’s fun and wildly informative online course is on sale at a big discount for the duration of this “100 Hours of humo(u)r” online party, and it’s open to writers of all skill levels. Find out more here!

Published on Sunday, March 3, 2013

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