Post 55 / Hour 61: I Might be Pathetic but at Least I’m not David Blaine
By Dave Fox
I woke up a couple of hours ago, wondering what the hell I was thinking when I decided to take on this blogging death march. But then, I was suddenly consumed by a deep sense of inner peace, when I remembered that others before me have attempted far stupider publicity stunts.
This two-part tale originally appeared on my blog on May 9 and 10, 2006:
Blogging: When you think about it, it’s really just a pathetic cry for attention. But not nearly as pathetic as living underwater in a giant fishbowl for a whole week while people come and gawk. That’s what self-proclaimed “magician” David Blaine has been doing this past week.
You may recall Blaine from his previous stunt a couple of years ago, when he lived in a clear plastic box suspended near London’s Tower Bridge, with nothing to eat and absolutely no privacy for 44 days. When he did finally emerge, he lamented to CNN’s Larry King that people on the street were mean to him, particularly when he was attending to certain bodily functions. Those damn Londoners. They’re just so intolerant of people who defecate in public and call themselves “magicians.”
Now, Blaine has been under water for a full week, breathing through a tube (hey, isnt’ that cheating?), and attending to other necessary bodily functions through, hopefully, a different tube. News reports say he’s not doing well. Blaine told reporters he is suffering “sharp, shooting pains in every part of my body.”
If Blaine were actually doing something in his human fish bowl, this might be interesting. Hell, even dolphins will leap into the air and catch fish in their teeth. But Blaine’s just kind of hanging out.
It’s too bad he can’t have a computer in there with him. He could blog:
Day 1: Well… here I am! Under water!
Day 2: Heh. I’m still under water. LOL.
Day 3: Yup.
Day 4: I went to the COOLEST party last night! Oh, wait. No. That was somebody else.
So tonight is the big night. Blaine will emerge from his human aquarium, and what is he going to do when he comes out? If I were him, I’d have a beer and a pizza and then go call my therapist, but after David Blaine gets out of the water, he is going to go back in again. Without the tubes. He is going to attempt to break the world record for the longest time anyone has held their breath under water. ABC is going to televise the event in a program called “David Blaine: Drowned Alive.”
Okay, let me get this straight. ABC is devoting two hours — two hours! — to watching a man hang out under water and do nothing.
Of course, the drama is in the fact that Blaine could very well die. If I were going to attempt to hold my breath under water for nine minutes, I would at least want to do so in top physical condition. Blaine admits he is a mess right now.
To prepare for the stunt, Blaine reportedly trained with Navy SEALS. Excuse me?! Aren’t we at war? Doesn’t the Navy have other things to contend with right now?
And what if Blaine does die? Here in the Pacific time zone, where the program will air on a three hour delay, will we still get to watch the exciting conclusion? Or in the interest of good taste, will ABC pull the program and show reruns of “Flipper” instead?
[So how did it go? I’ll post part two of this story one hour from now.]