Post 65 / Hour 69: Ruff Road Trip
By Jen Richards
[Jen is the winner of our third flash humor writing contest during the 100 Hours of Humo(u)r. Said our contest judge, Matt Preston, “It was funny, described the scene well without needing too many words. Had phrases that made you laugh and gross you out at the same time.” And be forewarned: If you’re eating right now, you might want to read something else until you’re done. But here is Jen’s hilariously gross winning entry. Congratulations, Jen!]
“That doesn’t sound good,” said my husband as I peered into the darkened backseat where our two year-old English Bulldog stood hurling and gasping for air.
“Pull over!” I screamed as I crawled to the backseat and proceeded to try and assist our dog in the backwards birth of something ingested.
Immediately my hands were covered in slime, similar to embryonic fluids.
I reached up into the writhing “birth canal” of jagged teeth and came upon a balled “head” of matter.
It was soft and pliable.
I gently pulled.
It gave way a bit and I continued to pull as my dog’s head bobbed up and down in “labor pains.”
Gently I began removing a long, thick, spongy mass from the depths of my dog’s throat.
I began to feel like I was performing the handkerchief trick in a magic show, the matted material just kept pouring out into my hands.
Just when I thought the end was surely in sight there was a bumpy section in the slippery stream and a second length began to emerge.
All this time my dog was thrashing in obvious distress, liquid was spraying about, and the assault on my nose was intensely nasty.
“That’s disgusting,” chimed in my husband, safe and clean from the drivers seat as a pile of material continued to grow inside my cupped hands.
Finally, with one last tug from me and push from our dog, the demon pair were birthed.
After examining my dog and feeling assured he (not she) was going to survive the ordeal, I looked up at my husband an announced,
“Congratulations, we are the proud grand-pup-parents of twins, the left and right legs of a pair of tights!”