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Post 77 / Hour 81: Quit Cloning Around!

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington

[This humor column originally appeared on my previous humor website in 2003.]

 

100hours-logo5Two months have passed since the Raelian religious cult made its first claim that it has cloned a human baby, but they have yet to offer any proof. The Raelians, a Las Vegas-based sect, believe all humans — including you — are descended from space aliens.

For weeks, journalists have been drooling heavily as they’ve raced to be the first to photograph the cloned baby. This has resulted in a big, messy puddle, but no actual pictures of an infant clone.

Attention Journalists! I hate to break this to you. I know you have worked hard on this story… but religious cults who believe we are descended from space aliens… ARE NOT CREDIBLE NEWS SOURCES!!!

The Raelians first made their claim on December 27. They promised to show baby pictures by January 5. But that date came and went, and there was no clone to be seen.

Michael Guillen, a former science editor for ABC News, led the media frenzy. He wanted to conduct DNA tests to prove the clone’s authenticity, but the Raelians wouldn’t show him their clone. Then on January 9, Guillen conceded the claim of the space alien cult might have been “part of an elaborate hoax.”

Excellent reporting, Mr. Guillen.

Unable to produce the clone, the Raelians then did what any respectable space-alien-worshipping cult would do: They announced they had made two more clones.

This ruffled the feathers of American anti-clonists, who hauled Brigitte Boisselier into court in Broward County, Florida.

Boisselier is a Raelian leader, and the CEO of Clonaid, the “scientific research branch” of her cult. Boisselier was forced to reveal the whereabouts of the clones, after which the judge ruled he had no jurisdiction over outer space.

No, no… I mean Israel. Boisselier said Clone #3, a.k.a. Baby Eve, is living and burping in Israel, which is not technically part of Broward County, Florida. Therefore, the judge had no jurisdiction.

Before the judge let Boisselier go though, he questioned her as to whether she had seen the clone. She had not seen it in person, she admitted. Just in video tapes.

That’s when I began to understand what’s really going on. I have the same problem on my TV.

Personal note to Ms. Boisselier: It’s not a clone. Jiggle the antenna. If the clone image doesn’t fade, call your cable company.

CNN was on the air live as the Broward ruling came down. Reporter John Zarella admitted he too was having doubts about the space alien clone people.

In one of those unforgetable live television moments, Zarella reported, “It may be just to get more publicity for Clonaid, which of course is a corporation that really isn’t a corporation.”

Yes, of course.

I may get zapped by a laser death ray for saying this, but I’m skeptical of the Raelians. Nevertheless, all this media attention has made me think hard about cloning. What if it really is possible to clone human beings? What if I could clone Me?

According to the Clonaid website, this would be a good thing. We would all live in “an unimaginably beautiful world turned into a paradise where no one needs to work anymore.”

I am struggling to understand this. If we create more of us, no one has to work? Clones get hungry, and I can’t afford to feed two of me. I would fight with myself over the last beer in the fridge.

But beer would be the least of my (our) problems. My clone would relate to all of my neuroses, and he would validate them.

“Yes, Dave Number One,” Dave Number Two would say. “You are correct. The world really is out to get you.”

My own skepticism aside, I must report that scientists did clone a cat last year. The original cat’s name was Rainbow, and its clone is named “cc.”

CNN reported Rainbow and cc are exactly alike. Except they do not look like each other and have completely different personalities.

So I don’t believe this cloning thing. But I do believe there is some truth to the Raelian’s claims. I do believe space aliens have been on Earth. And I believe they have stolen the brains of the journalists who keep covering this story.


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Published on Tuesday, March 5, 2013

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