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Only if you train them to fetch me a beer…

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington

Just days after I blogged about a Dutch brewery that’s brewing up beer for dogs, Washington State lawmakers are debating today whether or not to allow dogs in bars.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Our nation is at war, Seattle transportation is a mess, public schools are horribly underfunded, and lawmakers are arguing over whether or not poodles should be allowed to woof it up while their owners get sloshed.

State Senator Ken Jacobsen, who I am embarrassed to say is a Democrat, has introduced legislation that would allow dogs to hang out in bars with their owners. Jacobsen, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, does not own a dog himself.

The P-I responded to Jacobsen’s proposal with an editorial that said, in part, “We suggest Jacobsen grab a six-pack and go to a dog owner’s house….”

I have to agree.

I have nothing against dogs. Some of my best friends are dogs. I have issues, however, with some dog owners, who expect the entire world to love their pet unconditionally while they pretend the animal isn’t theirs.

Case in point: I was working on my laptop last week in a neighborhood coffee house that allows dogs. A dog came over to sniff me and say hello. I don’t know what the dog’s name was. I’ll call him Pookie. Via human-to-dog telepathy, Pookie and I had the following conversation:

Pookie: Woof! Hello!

Me:
Ummm… hi.

Pookie: I’m bored. You don’t mind if I lick your ankle for a while, do you?

Me: Well, actually, I’m trying to write, and it’s kind of distracting.

Pookie: Awww, come on! (Lick lick.)

Me: Don’t you have an owner or something?

Pookie:
Yeah. He’s the guy over there who’s ignoring me.

Me: Why don’t you go lick his ankles?

Pookie: He won’t let me. He’ll make me lay down.

Me: Well I’m sorry, but I really need to get back to….

Pookie:
WOOF! WOOF WOOF!!! GRRRRR… WOOF!!!

Pookie’s owner: Don’t worry. He won’t bite you.

Fair enough, but I wanted to bite the owner. If I wanted to be woofed at by neglected animals while I write, I’d go write at the Humane Society.

“When I’m having a beer, I like seeing other people’s dogs,” Jacobsen told the Post-Intelligencer. “Having dogs in the bar and the pub, as far as I’m concerned, makes it a more human place.”

More human? Ummm… I don’t know. I’ve been known to frequent some pretty skanky places, but I have never seen a human poop on the floor, no matter how drunk he is.

Jeez, if we’re going to allow dogs, why stop there? The bill discriminates against cats. And iguanas, ferrits, chimpanzees, and llamas. How about parrots? Oh, come on, the alcohol will kill off those avian flu germs.

I know I’ll suffer the wrath of drunken dog owners for writing this, but before you send me hate mail, let’s consider an alternative solution. I propose we legalize drinking in Washington State dog parks instead.

Published on Wednesday, January 31, 2007

One Response to “Only if you train them to fetch me a beer…”

  1. brrre
    February 1, 2007 at 5:57 PM

    Well, at least “Pookie” didn’t lick your ass. Dogs have a tendency to do so. Furthermore, since he licked your ankles, maybe you should change your socks and wash your feet? Dogs have a preferance for stuff that smells real bad you see…

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