Crime Against the Humanities

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington 

I am not sure who invented the so-called “smooth jazz” genre of… can we even call it music? But whoever did needs to appear before a tribunal at the Hague or be thrown in Guantanamo or something.

I mention this right now because every December sees a marked increase in musical terrorism, in the form of butchered Christmas carols spilling from the loudspeakers of every department store, grocery store, and dental office radio station. The only redeeming factor about being subjected to such music in a dental office is that if you are lucky, you will be undergoing painful oral surgery and will therefore have either some good painkillers or at least the more pleasant sound of a drill boring into your teeth to dull the smooth jazz musical pain.

Shopping for a new winter jacket yesterday, I found myself wishing somebody would start a new genre of death metal Christmas carols. Sure, death metal has not traditionally supported the spirit of Christmas, but compared to smooth jazz’s self-indulgent soprano saxes and pre-programmed drum machines, death metal is so much more soothing.

[Photo: George E. Norkus]

Published on Saturday, December 13, 2008

One Response to “Crime Against the Humanities”

  1. Erin
    December 13, 2008 at 3:04 PM

    I actually have a heavy metal Christmas album – I’ll be sure to play it for you tomorrow. A little less bleak than death metal, but thankfully not smooth jazz!

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