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Doctor Dave’s Valentine’s Day Love Advice for Broke and Ugly Humans and Swinging Iguanas

By Dave Fox
Seattle 

It’s Valentine’s Day here in America and several other places on Planet Earth. And while this is not something I normally do, today seemed like an appropriate day to respond to a few of the thousands of e-mails I receive each day from readers in search of love advice. We begin with an e-mail from someone who is ugly, broke, and boring:

Dear Dave,

I am ugly, broke, and really boring. I don’t really mind this most of the time; however, on Valentine’s Day, I feel a little lonely. What can I do to make somebody love me and buy me chocolate?

Sincerely,
Single in Saskatchawan

Dear Single in Saskatchawan,

For starters, I suggest you learn how to correctly spell Saskatchewan. Nobody likes a bad speller. But beyond that, let’s break this down. You are:

  1. Ugly
  2. Broke
  3. Boring

I can’t really help you with the broke part. As for ugly, shaving your head might help, but maybe you’ve already tried that. So instead of dwelling on the things we can’t change, let’s focus on the things we can. Studies show that among all factors, beauty, wealth, and a well-developed sense of humor are the top three things people seek in a romantic partner. Since beauty and wealth aren’t in the cards for you, perhaps you should work on developing your sense of humor.

As it just so happens, I will be teaching an online humor writing class starting March 15. You should sign up! It will make you a funnier and therefore more attractive person, and you will make people swoon. But if you sign up for this class, please do not hit on me. That would be awkward.

Platonically yours (and please don’t take “yours” too literally; it’s a figure of speech),
Dave

Dear Dave,

Every Valentine’s Day, I feel the urge to punch people and vomit. What’s with all of these “couples” who drool on each other in public and think they are better than those of us who are single? They are always trying to “set me up” with their friends, as if being in a couple would make me a more worthy iguana than I currently am. (Oh, by the way, I am an iguana.) Does it never cross their saccharine-sweet minds that maybe some of us actually like being single and feel no need to suck up to their status-quo paradigm of how they think the world should be?

Smooches,
Kelly the Iguana in Sri Lanka

Dear Kelly,

For starters, the correct spelling is “saccharin.” But you spell pretty well for an iguana. (Sorry if that sounded racist. I didn’t mean it like that.)

Anyway, you are right. We live in a society where many people and iguanas like to think that couples are more worthy than single people. You have every right to punch people and vomit if they treat you like a second class citizen for choosing to be single. Keep in mind, however, that most people are bigger than most iguanas, so you should only hit them if you can run away really fast afterward.

If you want to be a non-committal free agent in the so-called dating pool, go for it! People judge you because they envy all the wild, kinky, red-hot iguana loving you get to have with whomever you want. They are jealous; that’s all. So embrace being single! It’s okay!

But hey, did you know that recent studies by the Institute for Red-Hot Iguana Loving in Pittsburgh found that iguanas with a well-developed sense of humor get more action than humor-impaired iguanas whose idea of being funny is putting a lampshade on their head? So if you want to be single and, as they say, “play the field,” I wish you well, but be aware that you will get more red-hot loving if you learn to be a funny iguana.

Fortunately for you, I have an upcoming humor writing class. And it won’t just teach you to write funny. It will also teach you to think and be funny. Best of all, this is an online class, which means you can participate from anywhere in the world! Even Sri Lanka!

Smooches Back Atcha,
Dave

Dear Dr. Dave,

I hate everybody. Even you. Just because I choose to be single does not mean I want to hump the leg of every person around me. All I want is to be left alone. I do not want anybody to talk to me. Ever. Is that so wrong?

Love,
That Girl You Had a Crush On In Second Grade

Dear Second Grade Girl,

For starters, I don’t remember you. Also, I feel the need to clarify that I am not actually a doctor, and am not qualified to give advice on much of anything. I mention this up front so people don’t sue me.

As far as your question goes, no, if you want to live your life as a recluse who talks to no one other than your bitter self, good for you! Embrace your hatred of others! Be proud of who you are!

Keep in mind, however, that if you spend all of your days and nights alone, with no one to talk to but yourself, you will enjoy this time more if you have interesting and witty things to say to yourself. These things might include interesting factoids about mangoes, or they might include jokes.

As it just so happens, I will soon be teaching an online humor writing workshop to help people become funnier. Writers of all skill levels and genres are welcome. So maybe you want to write yourself a funny letter every now and then. Or maybe you want to send other people scathing hate mail. After all, hatred is more scathing when laced with sarcasm. So please come join us. If you prefer, we won’t ever talk to you when you sign up.

Toodles,
Dave


Nocomment Do you have a question for Dr. Dave? About anything? He is not a doctor and is probably not qualified to help you, but maybe he will try anyway. E-mail him your questions and he might respond on his blog. (If you send a question to this e-mail address, you grant Dave the right to reprint your question anywhere he wants and exploit it for his own personal gain.)

Also, please note that the person in this photograph really is Dave. However, the photo was taken in 1996. Dave does not look like this anymore. He no longer has hair and has gained a few pounds.

Published on Tuesday, February 15, 2011

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