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The Horse Versus the Zamboni

By Dave Fox

Here is an extremely useful IQ test you can take:

Which of the following is more like a car?

A) A Zamboni (You know… those vehicle-thingies that resurface the ice at hockey games.)

B) A Horse (You know… those animal-thingies that poop on the street during parades.)

If you are like me, and chose a Zamboni, you are wrong and stupid.

At least according to law enforcement.

A woman in Alabama was arrested last weekend for Driving Under the Influence. She was not driving a car. She was riding a horse.

Meanwhile in New Jersey, a judge has just ruled that if you drive a Zamboni while intoxicated, you cannot be given a DUI conviction because… well… Zambonis aren’t motor vehicles.

Okay, people, help me understand this. Zambonis have motors. Horses do not. Zambonis have wheels. Horses do not. Zambonis have ignition switches, gas pedals, gas tanks, and optional air conditioning. Horses have none of those.

The woman on the horse, according to the Associated Press, allegedly tried to use the animal to ram a cop car. She then tried to flee from police, but the cops pulled her over and… asked for her license and registration? How do you pull over a horse? The woman was found to be carrying a small pipe, marijuana, an undisclosed variety of pills, and (surprise!) a child-sized portion of crystal meth.

In the New Jersey case,  according to the AP, Zamboni driver Paul Peragallo ran amok at a sports arena, and a co-worker told police Peragallo was — oh, this is a good one — speeding. Speeding! In a Zamboni! Six miles per hour?! However, the judge ruled that since one cannot drive a Zamboni on a highway, and because the Zamboni does not carry passengers, it’s not a motor vehicle.

Peragallo testified at his trial he did not drink any alcohol until after he groomed the ice. He reportedly told police at the time of his arrest, however, he washed down his two breakfast Valiums with a shot of Sambuca.

Regardless of how much the man drank, I beg to differ with the judge. I believe you could drive a Zamboni on a highway — just very slowly — and, drunk or not, I would welcome the opportunity to try.

Published on Friday, April 6, 2007

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