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It’s about to get deep… and I don’t mean the snow.

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington

Brace yourselves people! Winter Blast 2007 is coming, and we all know what that means! It means Seattle meteorologists will be having multiple orgasms on live television as they report the deluge of 2 millimeters of snow. Meanwhile, I will be having multiple orgasms on this blog as I report the stupidity of it all.

(Ummm… for the record, I mean that figuratively.)

The National Weather Service is predicting “a trace to two inches” of snow tomorrow. Here’s what the Seattle media are saying in advance of the pending chaos:

KING 5 News “First Alert Weather”: “Can’t winter just go away?”

Ummm… No. It’s January. Winter is what happens in January. And you call yourselves meteorologists?

KOMO 4 “Weather Authority” Meteorologist Scott Sistek spouts the following macho rant on his station’s website:

I just got back from a quick trip to Southern California and… you remember our big rain storm last Tuesday? That hit there on Thursday night, dropping low temperatures into the 40s, and — I kid you not — one of their weathercasters talked about an “icy blast of cold air” moving into the region.

Hey Los Angeles… you want an “icy blast”? We’ll show you an “icy blast.”

Hey Scott Sistek! You want an icy blast?  I spent eight winters in Wisconsin. There were days when I had icicles hanging from my beard. Your forecast low of 20 degrees Fahreinheit (above zero — HA!) ain’t no icy blast either. In Wisconsin, that’s a heatwave, tough guy. But thank you for playing. We have some nice consolation prizes for you.

KIRO 7 TV quotes its own forecasters in the “KIRO 7 Pinpoint Severe Weather Center” this way:

“Forecasters said people should prepare by wrapping pipes and gassing up their cars.”

Why are you encouraging people to gas up their cars when if even a trace of snow does actually fall, you are going to tell us the roads are too dangerous to drive on?

But the best commentary on our impending doom comes not from the local media per se, but rather one very excited commenter on the Seattle Post-Intelligencer chat boards, who writes:

Well, we shall see who is prepared or not. If NOT…Maybeso Darwin needs to get cracking. If folks DIDN’T LEARN already these last few months, they DESERVE WHAT THEY GET.

Generator will be gassed and chained to the woodshed, the firewood box filled and the majority of the leftovers eaten down. Things that can be eaten uncooked or just heated on the wood stove will be placed to the front of the shelves.
All we will have to do it make sure that the lantern batteries are fresh, the flashlight batteries are stocked and life will just gear down a bit. No Sweat here. I filled the truck’s fuel tank this AM on the way in, the car was filled LAST night and i’m ready.

Are YOU ready?

Okay, sir. You eat down them there leftovers and move your Armageddon food stash to the front shelves. (And get a hobby while you’re at it.) Am I ready? Hell yeah! I’ve got me a box of Duraflame logs and a bottle of whiskey! Because we all know that if the power goes out, the beer in the fridge is going to get warm, and that’s just gross.

Published on Wednesday, January 10, 2007

4 Responses to “It’s about to get deep… and I don’t mean the snow.”

  1. Nancy
    January 10, 2007 at 9:38 AM

    I like warm beer.

  2. Erin
    January 11, 2007 at 3:34 AM

    And to further the ridiculousness, the top headline on the Seattle Times website reads: “Not much snow yet.” There’s not much hurricane here either (though you’d think so, given the rhetoric about windstorms). I think our climate is just so damn mild that the weathermen are amusing themselves; it must be boring to say “a bit nippy and gray with a hint of drizzliness” over and over for three months. Perhaps the answer is to abolish the “Pinpoint Severe Weather Center” altogether and replace it with, well, news?

  3. January 11, 2007 at 3:47 AM

    I think “Not Much News Yet” would have been a more appropriate headline.

  4. Jen
    January 13, 2007 at 12:22 PM

    Snort! OK…that one comment from the are YOU ready guy seriously made me laugh.
    You DESERVE WHAT YOU GET. :-D

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