Maybe Nobody Will Notice if I Just Tiptoe Back In Quietly.

By Dave Fox

The good news is I do not have gout.

The podiatrist gave me this happy information yesterday as he poked and prodded my toes while singing the theme song to the Smurfs.

Yes, really. The Smurfs. “You do not have gout,” he said. “La LAAAA la LA la laaa….”

As I sat in his podiatry chair, moaning loudly while he tugged on my middle toe (“Does that hurt?” … “No, Doc, I’m moaning because it feels blissful when you yank my injured toe….”), my mind wandered to you, my faithful readers, whom I have neglected these past few weeks.

How does one get back into blogging after a two-month hiatus? Can I just begin writing again and hope nobody noticed I was gone?

For those of you who have missed me, please keep in mind that if every visitor to this blog in a one-week period would just purchase 7,983 copies of my book, I could afford to retire from the tour guiding biz and blog full time. Until then, I must continue guiding tours overseas — a hectic job that does not always allow time for bloggage.

It’s been a hectic tour season, which I have survived. I have stories to tell, which will find their way into this blog in the coming weeks, interspersed with my other usual rambling.

Speaking of rambling, after the podiatrist stopped humming the Smurf theme, he asked me to step onto a foot X-ray gadget. Then he gave me a lead covering, instructed me to “keep this between the camera and your gonads,” and walked out of the room, whistling the Charlie Brown theme music.

Apparently my podiatrist really likes cartoons. Or just the music.

There were a few buzzes from the X-ray machine, a few clicks, and instructions to go home, freeze my foot, and gobble anti-inflammatory meds.

I went back to Dr. Y. this morning for two reasons:

  1. The pain in my foot had intensified to the point that I was having to crawl from room to room. As sexy as that might sound, I was not enjoying myself.
  2. I wanted to see if he might bust out some Flintstones karaoke today.

Cast_3 He did not, unfortunately, sing about a yabba-dabba-doo time, but he did do something way cooler. He strapped a cast to my foot that resembles part of the outfit the Storm Troopers wear in “Star Wars.” I am currently seeking a mask to go with it. And some Darth Vader crutches.

Published on Wednesday, November 7, 2007

2 Responses to “Maybe Nobody Will Notice if I Just Tiptoe Back In Quietly.”

  1. brrre
    November 7, 2007 at 8:20 PM

    Of course it wasn’t gout. I could have told you that.
    It’s bone-cancer. That is a dreadful disease you shouldn’t make jokes about.
    Shame on you!

  2. April 15, 2008 at 2:14 PM

    Well, Dave, at least you can rest assured knowing that gout was once the malady of kings.

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