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An Apology to Canada: Much Ado Aboot Nothing

Dear Canada,

On behalf of my countrymen here in the United States of America, I would like to apologize. And actually, I do not speak for all of my countrymen here in the United States of America, so, hey, how about if I just apologize on behalf of the nice ones?

I would like to apologize for the behavior of one of my country’s largest newspapers, USA Today, who started out an article Tuesday as follows:

“You know the old, Mark Twain-credited saying (translated to Canadian): Everybody talks aboot the weather, but nobody does anything aboot it.”

Oh, Canada, I have no clue why USA Today dredged up this stale, stale cliché of a joke about the way you guys talk. Apparently, someone on USA Today’s staff was snorting with laughter and thinking nobody would notice that the “aboot” joke, in one form or another, has already been told, like, 87-quadzillion times by other people here in the lower 48. And it’s not like we in the USA invented English either. It’s not like we speak it the “correct” way. There is no “correct” way to speak English, in spite of what a tiny handful of Old World snoots might think.

Here in the US, we have lots of different accents. And while I am guessing USA Today would not mock the accent of Texans, New Yorkers, or Minnesotans, lest they piss off a segment of their readership, they seem to have decided Canada, just beyond the fringes of our borders, is fair game.

Canada, please feel free to pronounce words however you want. Be proud of who you are, how you talk, and the fact that all of your citizens have health care.

Yeah. Health care for all. That is something I wish someone here could figure out how to translate.

Love from the Lower 48,
Dave Fox

Published on Friday, February 19, 2010

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