Much Ado About Bruised Armpits

By Dave Fox

I continue to be in excruciating pain, but it’s no longer my injured foot that hurts.

My armpits feel bruised and my palms are swollen. Crutches, it turns out, relieve the pain at the point of injury but they cause pain elsewhere on your body. Meanwhile, my left foot — “the good one” — hurts more than my “injured” right foot because it’s been bearing twice the weight it’s used to.

My bad foot — the one with the alleged bone fracture — feels fine as long as I don’t put any weight on it. That’s dangerous.

After an hour on the couch this afternoon, I almost stood up normally. I’ve become so used to the cast on my leg, I forgot it was there. The results would not have been pleasant. I know this because at my doctor’s office today, the X-ray technician asked me if I could put “just two or three pounds of weight” on my right foot while he zapped me. I tried. Then I shrieked. Then I called him lots of bad things for asking me to put weight on my injured foot.

I also discovered that going to the doctor at all is not a good idea. Going to the doctor involves going outside. It involves getting into a taxi. Getting into the taxi, attempting to balance on my “good foot,” I whacked my head on the door frame. Getting out, I whacked my shoulder. Crutches are dangerous things, I have learned. They really should be illegal.

I see people all the time going down the street on crutches, and they make it look so damn easy. You know what? People who look like they are getting around easily on crutches are faking it. Why are they faking it? Because, let’s face it, walking around town with an expression that says, “Ouch! My armpits are bruised! Oww oww oww!” just isn’t sexy.

“Well,” my friend Erin said to me on the phone this afternoon, “at least you’re getting some good blog material out of this.”

Yeah, whatever.

Damn you all for finding this entertaining. Damn you all for laughing. You who laugh are going to hell. And if there is such a thing as karma, you will be forced to spend eternity on crutches.

Published on Friday, November 9, 2007

3 Responses to “Much Ado About Bruised Armpits”

  1. November 9, 2007 at 4:07 PM

    Have you considered a good Belgian ale – or six – as solace?
    Oh, sorry, wait, that was Monday…
    Feel better, Ax.

  2. Jeri
    November 12, 2007 at 7:44 AM

    I’m beginning to worry. Either Dave has found the painkillers–and is wisely keeping his random thoughts to himself–or else the boxes finished the job.
    Anybody else see any signs of life?

  3. Neil Smithski
    December 1, 2007 at 12:41 PM

    Damn Dave, WTF?

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