Close Encounters of the Mylar Kind
A Singapore Space Critter Balloon Mystery
By Dave Fox
I found a Mylar balloon floating in the middle of my living room when I woke up this morning. “You’re special,” it said.
My wife, Kattina, had already left for work, so I e-mailed her: “Thanks for the balloon.”
A half-hour later, she wrote back: “The balloon?”
Had she not left it for me?
On further examination, I determined the balloon was looking a little deflated. The lavender ribbon that hung from it was frayed, and, unlike a balloon with a fresh dose of helium, which would flatten itself against the ceiling, this one was hovering, wafting gently on the circulating air currents.
But if Kattina had gone to work at 6:30 and the balloon wasn’t in the apartment when she left, how did it get here?
The only open windows were two in the bathrooms – both too small for a balloon to drift through – and one in our bedroom. But the bedroom curtains were closed, making an impossibly small gap for a balloon to fit through. There was only one way the balloon could have arrived.
We live on the seventh floor of a 20-story building. Next to our kitchen sink, a door opens into a small laundry and storage area. The laundry area is a covered space – enclosed but technically outside. This area faces across to another apartment. From there, the outer walls of our apartment and the adjacent unit run for around 30 feet before reaching a truly open space.
If that is sounding complicated, then you get my point: In order for this balloon to have drifted into the center of our living room, right where I’d see it when I woke up, it would have had to have leveled off at the seventh story, entered a narrow (maybe 10 feet wide) passageway, navigated past rows of air conditioners, floated 30 feet through the passageway, turned a corner, and entered our laundry deck through an open, window-like space.
From there, it would have had to navigate around a bunch of clothes that were hanging to dry, through a doorway, into our kitchen, turning left at the fridge, through a door-shaped space that divides our kitchen from our living room, and then stopped to hover, right at my eye level, right where I would see it when I got out of bed and went for my preliminary shot of morning caffeine.
“Dave,” you say, “this is too improbable to have really happened.”
… Unless the Mylar “You’re Special” balloon is more than just a balloon.
There is only one realistic explanation.
The balloon is being piloted by space critters.
“But DAVE!” you say. “That is preposterous! Space critters could not fly all the way to Planet Earth, drift down to Singapore, and navigate the aforementioned labyrinth, in a spacecraft mimicking a Mylar balloon! Because how the hell could they ever fit inside such a small balloon?!”
And that, my friend, with all due respect, is where you are being ignorant.
Have you ever noticed how in science fiction films, the space critters are all roughly human-sized? How do we know they aren’t little? Maybe they’re an inch tall. Maybe they’re microscopic. Maybe the amoebas you learned about in high school science class are actually from Planet Qprulo!x^.
“Dave! Now you are talking crazy shit! There is no such thing as Planet Qprulo!x^!”
Really? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?!
So in conclusion, space critters have come to visit me today from Planet Qprulo!x^ in their Mylar spacecopter. Not only that, they have also (I swear, this is true) been following me around the apartment all morning. I left them in the living room and went down the hall to work. The spacecopter drifted into my office. After I received Kattina’s e-mail asking what balloon I was talking about, I looked around my office for them so I could send her a photo, but they were not here anymore. They had drifted back to the living room – perhaps in search of some yogurt. It is my understanding that yogurt is very popular on Planet Qprulo!x^.
An hour later, when I was in the living room, taking a quick break and gazing out the window, I was startled by a quivering object nudging my lower leg.
It was the spacecopter!
So space critters from Planet Qprulo!x^ have come to Singapore today and they’ve been following me around my apartment. So far, they seem benevolent. And they want me to know I am special.
Have space critters ever visited you? Have you ever been to Planet Qprulo!x^? And if you have, how’s the pizza? Please share your experiences in the “Comments” section below.