Something to Chew On
By Dave Fox
This story first appeared on my original humor website, davethefox.com, in 2003. I’m rerunning it now in honor of the Boston Red Sox’s first at-home World Series win in 95 years this week. I am also wondering what the proper way to write the possessive form of Red Sox is. “Red Sox’s” seems technically correct, but nobody pronounces it “Red Sockses.” And what about the singular? I heard a radio announcer on Wednesday refer to a Red Sox player as a “Red Sock,” which seems equally awkward.
The Fox has spoken. Now on with the story….
A man in Wisconsin has paid $10,000 for a piece of pre-chewed bubble gum.
Curt Mueller bought the gum in a charity auction. Asked what he plans to do with it, he said, “I’ll put it in my office and stare at it.”
Now, before you call Mr. Mueller a freak, please consider this: The gum was chewed by Arizona Diamondbacks baseball player Luis Gonzalez.
Okay, now you may call Mr. Mueller a freak.
Mr. Mueller, Dude, what were you thinking? I would have chewed up some gum for you for a much lower price.
Well, perhaps that’s not realistic. Obviously it was not the pre-chewed gum Mueller was after. It was Luis Gonzalez’s saliva, which is something I cannot provide. The tricky thing about purchasing used gum, though, is it’s hard to authenticate. How do we know the gum really came from Gonzalez?
That question surfaced after Mueller made his purchase. You would think that’s something Mueller would have investigated before he shelled out 10,000 bucks. But Gonzalez, hearing about the confusion, came forward to make sure Mueller was getting his money’s worth. Gonzalez examined the gum and could not verify it was his, so he chewed a second piece for Mueller, put it in a plastic water bottle, and autographed the bottle… free of charge.
We can all learn something from this incident: When purchasing used bubble gum, we must be very careful. We must be absolutely certain the pre-chewed gum we are buying really was chewed by the person we think chewed it.
For example, I have a piece of gum that was chewed by Abraham Lincoln as he delivered his Gettysburg Address. Because I am an honest man, I will sell it to you for $42,000. But if I were not so honest, I could claim that gum was actually chewed by George Washington while he was chopping down the cherry tree. Based on that claim, you might pay triple the $42,000 this gum is actually worth, and I would be laughing all the way to the bank.
Here’s another moral issue to consider: Gonzalez has been victimized. When he chewed the original piece of gum, he was not aware it would go up for auction. He just tossed it on the grass at the ballpark, and a fan got hold of it.
“I’m hoping this craziness stops,” Gonzalez said.
Personal note to Mr. Gonzalez: Here’s some helpful advice on how to stop this craziness: Stop putting your discarded gum in plastic bottles and autographing the bottles!
But I’m just jealous.
And perhaps you are too. Perhaps you cannot afford to purchase my $42,000 wad of Abe Lincoln gum. That’s okay. Here’s another offer for you:
I, Dave Fox, will personally chew a piece of gum and sell it to you for 50 dollars. I know that sounds like a lot of money right now. I’m not a Major League Baseball player or a dead president. But think of the investment value.
What if you had a piece of gum that Bill Cosby chewed back when he was just starting out? I bet he would have sold it to you cheap. Maybe 10 bucks. Today, that gum would be worth thousands.
When I am famous, you will be able to retire off of my chewed gum and pay for tuition at Harvard. Do it for your grandchildren. They will thank you.
Send Dave $50 right away, plus $4.95 shipping and handling, and he will send you a piece of gum he has CHEWED HIMSELF!!! Each piece of gum comes with a numbered certificate of authenticity, signed by Dave, with the date and location the gum was chewed. Please specify mint, cinnamon, or traditional bubble-flavored gum. Order within the next 24 hours and Dave will throw in a piece of discarded dental floss ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! Supplies are limited. Order today!