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25 Pathetic But True Things About My Bad Self That You Really Shouldn’t Care About

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington 

[The following ridiculousness was originally posted on my Facebook page.]

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT RULES! READ THESE OR DIE!~ This is one of those highly irritating, viral Internet fads that you would not have to put up with if you lived in a country with the good sense to ban such idiotic wastes of time, such as North Korea. If you have been “tagged” in this note, it is either because you have already tagged the author in a similarly self-indulgent outburst of your own, or because you have attempted to coerce the author into some other time-squandering Facebook activity, or just because you are extremely misfortunate and the author had to meet his obligatory quota in this exercise of tagging at least 25 people.

While the author of this particular note has been instructed to compose a mere 25 completely useless and boring facts about himself, you are not so lucky. You must now reveal 52,197 completely useless and boring facts about yourself in a similar note. Furthermore, you must tag at least 87,254,992 of your Facebook friends. You must do this within 24 hours, or an army of sewer rats with laser beam eyes will crawl up through your shower drain and incinerate your entire city. And won’t that suck?

If you do not have 87,254,992 Facebook friends, you must bury yourself under the covers and whimper, reflecting on the sorry state of your social life, until the rats arrive.

Now, for your further annoyance, here are the requested 25 factoids about the author. You may read them if you like. Alternatively, you could just turn off your computer and go take a walk. That’s probably the more productive thing to do.

1) I do not normally participate in Internet thingies such as this. I have agreed to do so this time, only because someone who recently reviewed my books promised that if I did, she would demonstrate her ability to sound like a dolphin.

2) Usually, I unflinchingly refuse and block all offers on Facebook of virtual hugs, virtual chocolate, virtual haggis, virtual snowball fights, virtual cocktails, virtual fetish models, challenges to reveal my extremely high IQ, and requests to join Facebook-fueled political groups. This might be because I am an evil, heartless bastard. I’m not really sure.

3) Speaking of dolphins, I used to have a goldfish named Abdul. His full name was Prince Abdul Ibrahim Srafeq III. I have no idea why I named him that. It just kind of sounded cool at the time.

4) I also used to have hair, but my hair did not have an exotic name like my goldfish did. In any case, neither my hair nor my goldfish are alive anymore.

5) I refuse to use the term, “best friend.” Seriously, what’s with ranking one friend above others:

“Sorry, but this week, you have been demoted to the status of fourth best friend. Yes, I know you were at number three last week, but I met this guy at a bar and he’s pretty cool. But don’t worry. Zach and Penelope might be moving to Burkina Faso, and then I won’t really be hanging out with them much, so you might have advancement opportunities in the near future if you maintain a positive attitude.”

6) I was voted Safety Patrol of the Year in sixth grade. Also in sixth grade, while I was riding my bike to school one day, a crazy person
tried to run me over with his big red Cadillac. I do not know if these two events were related.

7) My most vivid dreams have all taken place in countries I have never been to (or beyond)… including Guyana, Somalia, Bangladesh, Albania, and outer space. After the space dream, I sought professional counseling.

8) I once had an uncontrollable laughing fit while anchoring the 10 p.m. news on Wisconsin Public Radio. For reasons I will never
understand, they did not fire me.

Chillin' with the princess of Norway. 9) I was once the opening speaker for Princess Märtha Louise of Norway. One year later, she announced that she could talk to angels, and opened up a school to teach others how to do the same. I do not know if these two events were related.

10) I play the fiddle, but will only do so in public if someone is accompanying me on guitar, or if I have consumed at least 92 Long Island Iced Teas.

11) While cleaning out my closet recently, I found Tom Leykis’s home phone number from 1994. I really should clean out my closet more often.

12) I make snorky noises at most animals when I see them. When humans are present, I do this quietly because most humans do not appreciate the power of the snork.

13) I have been to 42 countries (and still counting) on five continents, but not all at the same time.

14) I have a form of Dyslexia that affects my sense of direction. I am also a professional tour guide. I do not know if these two conditions are related.

15) When I guide tours, I travel with a mascot named Sven Wondermoose. I love Sven in ways most humans will never understand. He makes a mean 26-egg omelet.

16) I also share my home with a giraffe from Madagascar. The giraffe’s name is Nigel. Nigel is seven feet tall. Nigel cannot accompany me on my tours because he exceeds the airline industry’s size limit for carry-on items.

17) I am thinking about suing the airline industry for discriminating against my giraffe.

18) I think karaoke is more evil than country line dancing, for the simple reason that country line dancing had the decency to go out of
style.

19) I was once featured on the History Channel program, “Weird U.S.,” because I think lutefisk is evil. They still rerun the program around Christmas time. You can watch it then if you want to. Or you can just go eat some pizza instead. I don’t really care.

20) If forced to choose between eating a bowl of corn flakes or having a tetanus shot, I will usually go with the tetanus shot.

21) My girlfriend teaches sex education to eighth graders. She is also an octopus expert. I do not know if these two skills are related.

22) In January, 2008, I was told I might never walk again without crutches. Three months later, I went biking through the jungles of
Vietnam. But please do not get any crazy ideas. I still refuse to go country line dancing.

23) I can speak Turkish better than I can swim. This is not because I really speak very much Turkish. It is because I swim with the finesse of a Golden Retriever. If you throw me off of a boat in a medium-sized lake, I will probably manage to make my way to shore without drowning. Then, I will probably thwack you on the nose for throwing me into a lake.

24) I really should get back to work now. Probably, you should too.

25) Look! I can count to 25!

Published on Tuesday, February 10, 2009

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