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The Scariest Halloween Costume Ever!

 

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington 

Every year at Halloween, my friends have costume parties, and every year, I insist on going to those parties as myself.

“Where is your costume?” my friends ask me, and I tell them that costumes are for people who like costumes. I am not of that tribe.

I’m not sure what turned me into a Halloween Scrooge. When I was a child (which I no longer am, in spite of rumors to the contrary), Halloween was my favorite holiday. And I am still pro-candy, but dressing up as a ghost, or a monster, or the Dear Leader of North Korea just doesn’t have the same appeal to me today as it did when I was five.

But this gets awkward. When you show up at a Halloween party without a costume, people think you are a loser and give you wedgies, which I am getting too old to enjoy. So I have come up with a solution. This year, I am still going as myself, only I am making a costume. I am taking a picture of my face, printing it out, and making a mask out of it.

This is an extremely versatile costume. For example, my friends Austin and Patty are not only requiring that everyone at their party wear a costume, but each year they choose a theme, and this year’s theme is superheroes. So I am going as Superdave.

The awesome thing about the simplicity of the Superdave Costume is that Superdave is so super, he don’t need no stinkin’ cape! All he needs is a beer in his hand and his super powers are activated!

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Yeah, right! What super powers could you, Dave Fox, mild-mannered travel geek, possibly have?”

Well, for starters, I can drink tall beers in a single bound. But wait! There’s more! My beer-guzzling super powers are so super, I once prevented an airplane from taking off.

It was a snowy, post-Christmas-holiday weekend at O’Hare Airport, and I was flying back to Madison, Wisconsin, where I was living at the time. My connecting flight had been delayed so many times that I had consumed multiple tall beers in a single bound at various adult beverage establishments throughout the airport. Finally, it was time for my flight to board, and although I needed one last trip to the men’s room, the gate agent was telling us to please hurry and take our seats before they closed the airport again. So being the mild-mannered travel geek that I am, I did what I was told. I figured I could hold it another 20 minutes until we were airborne.

I fastened my seatbelt and we taxied out to the runway. As we waited behind a long line of other aircraft, my bladder began to swell. “Hold it, hold it, hold it,” I meditated. We had just three more aircraft in front of us. Two more aircraft. One more aircraft. “Ten more minutes before the seatbelt sign goes off,” I thought. “Hold it, hold it, hold it.”

Then the pilot made an announcement. A very bad announcement.

“Because of the expected turbulence, we will not be providing drink service on this flight. I am asking all passengers and flight attendants to remain seated for the duration of the flight.”

There comes a time in every superhero’s life when he really has to urinate. Really. I had two choices. Disobey the captain or wet myself. I was young. I was tough. I could handle being throttled against the lavatory walls a lot better than I could handle the alternative embarrassment. I concocted a plan. I would slither back to the bathroom and relieve myself while we were taking off. The flight crew wouldn’t even know. It would be an adventure.

Complicating matters was the fact that I was in a window seat. I looked at the two gentlemen next to me. “I’m really sorry, but I need to get up,” I said.

Apparently, my face was filled with superhero charisma, because the two men did not argue. They dove out of my way, realizing I was on a mission.

I hobbled toward the back, now in considerable pain, when… curses! A flight attendant foiled my plan. “You can’t stand up right now!” she yelped. “We’re about to take off!”

But I, Superdave, was having none of that. “This is an emergency, ma’am,” I said. “Please step aside.”

“I’ll call the captain and tell him to wait.”

There is something intimidating about the fact that two hundred airline passengers, who have already been delayed several hours, are now being further delayed because of your need to urinate. I don’t quite know what took over, but in spite of what was now an excruciating pressure in my loins, nothing was happening. I stood there, as guys do, but nothing was leaving my body. The pressure
within me was no match for the external pressure of 200 irritated passengers hoping I would hurry up. I stood there for a long, long time, knowing I could not return to my seat before accomplishing my mission, because if I did, the urgency was only going to grow worse once I sat down.

So I closed my eyes and did some superhero deep-breathing exercises until finally, a great sense of relief flowed out of me. Finally, I returned to my seat. We took off and landed without further incident. At the baggage claim in Madison, I could hear people talking about me, asking each other, “Did you see that guy as he flew down the aisle? His face was pretty red.”

Yep. Just like the Incredible Hulk, only a different color.

But here is the thing: Can you name one other superhero in the history of the world who has ever stopped an airplane from taking off… with his own urine?!?!

No! No, you cannot!

So I am going for Halloween this year as Superdave. And I realized, my idea of creating a mask out of my own photograph is so brilliant, everyone should do this! Even you! Yes, you too should go trick-or-treating this year as me! Which is why I am pleased to offer you, free of charge, this Superdave Halloween Costume Kit. (Some assembly required.)

To create your Superdave costume, you will need the following:

  • A computer printer, and, ideally, some heavy-duty card stock
  • A pair of scissors
  • A thick rubber band
  • A stapler
  • Beer
  • A drinking straw

Once you have assembled these items, please follow these instructions:

  1. Davemask600 Print the image to the right. You may need to adjust the scale of the photo to fit the size of your own head. (You may click for a larger version.
  2. Cut out around the face part so it is the shape of a mask.
  3. Cut holes in each eyeball, and also a small hole in the mouth, large enough to insert a straw through.
  4. Snip your rubber band so it is just one long piece of rubber. (Alternatively, an elastic band or a mangled coat hanger will work.
  5. Staple the rubber band to the back of the mask – one staple on each side, next to the ears.
  6. Put the mask on your head in the usual mask-putting-on manner.
  7. Open the beer.
  8. Insert one end of the straw through the hole in the mask’s mouth.
  9. Insert the other end of the straw through the hole in the top of the beer bottle or can.

Congratulations! Your Superdave Halloween Costume is now ready for use! Just please drink responsibly, and if you need to fly anywhere, remember that after the aforementioned airline incident, Superdave now always asks for an aisle seat.

Published on Saturday, October 31, 2009

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