Hilarious Headlines at the Kulata Café

By David Higham, Guest Globejotter
Yulara, Northern Territory, Australia

One of the great pleasures for the travelling scribbler is to sit in a café miles from home reading the local paper of a community you have yet to meet.

That’s what I was doing in the Kulata Café in the small town for tourists in Australia’s hot, red centre.

Uluru, in the Red Centre Desert in Australia's Northern Territory, is believed to be around 700-million years old. (Photo: David Higham)

Uluru, in the Red Centre Desert in Australia’s Northern Territory, is believed to be around 700-million years old. The sandstone monolith is sacred to Australia’s Aborigines. (Photo: David Higham)

I had taken a free paper from the rack.  The first sip told me the coffee was good, and the first headline told me the paper was going to be a treasure.

“Dead Bat Set My Nature Strip On Fire,” it roared.  Clearly the “NT News — Your Voice in the [Northern] Territory” knew a good story when it saw one.  The sports section bore the title “Just Footy.” This was a journal that did not go in for highfalutin language.

The café was part of a scheme to train young Aboriginal people in the hospitality industry.  The staff were all young and there was an air of anxiety as they did their nervous best.

I frightened the life out of Victoria, a waitress, by asking her if she was getting good training.  In panic, she turned to others for an answer.  I think I must have been the first customer to speak to her directly but, “Yes,” she was and “Yes,” she did enjoy her work was all she could say before running away.

I turned back to the paper and increased my word power.  I learned that Ambos (ambulance drivers) were on red alert; that Firies had attended a blaze and that the Salvos had kicked off an appeal.  Salvos?  The Salvation Army, of course.

A story about a proposal to open a strip club called Honey Pot near a school caught my eye with the masterpiece headline, “Sorry Honey Your Strip Club Is Unbareable.”  And yes, that’s how the sub-editor spelt it.

Suddenly, I noticed I was reading yesterday’s edition so I rushed out and bought the current offering.  Returning to the café, I ordered more coffee and a profiterole with an espresso cream filling.  It was much as you would expect except it was the size of a cottage loaf.

The new paper had engineered a scoop.  A previous edition had featured Harvey, a shih-tzu dog.  A reader had got in touch with the paper to say Harvey was the spitting image of his own dog, Jack.  The paper had arranged for the doggy doppelgangers to meet and reported the event in a full page spread under the headline, ‘I Couldn’t Tell Him from Jack Shih-Tzu’.

The paper reported the pair of dogs had been standoffish at first but were soon enjoying a sniff and a pee round the yard.  You just do not get journalism this incisive at home.

And so, full of caffeine, cholesterol, and culture, I set off to see a big red rock I had heard a lot about.

David LRDavid Higham started his working life as a submariner in the Royal Navy. He then became a lawyer and finally an academic. 

Now retired, he lives in Portsmouth, England, and travels twice a year with his wife, Adrienne. He journals and writes for occasional publication.

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Published on Thursday, April 28, 2016

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