Insomnia-Induced Legal Roundup

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington

It’s 4 in the morning. I have insomnia. A massive wind storm, expected to last until mid-day, is just getting started outside. So if today’s bloggage suddenly stops in mid-stream, either I have very suddenly been cured of my insomnia, or the power lines outside have been blown down and my computer has crashed.

(I wonder if Wolf Blitzer ever has to report under these circumstances.)

Welcome, everybody, to another edition of “Legal Roundup.”

Okay, it’s not actually another edition. It’s the first ever edition. And hopefully the last, because — let’s face it — “Legal Roundup” is a stupid name.

[cue theme music]

Segment 1: Borat wins the right to expose pond scum frat boys. Media respond with excessive use of Borat cliches in headlines.

The frat boys who filed a lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Borat Sagdiyev, have lost a bid to have a scene cut from the glorious movie, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” in which they share their thoughts on women and slavery in ways that they claim tarnish their reputation.

The boys claim the movie crew got them drunk and lied about their true intentions… which I am sure these guys have never done themselves… to a woman at a frat party, for example. I am also sure these upstanding young lads would never try to humiliate drunk people themselves if they had access to a video camera.  CoughYouTubeCoughCough.

So what exactly were these guys doing before Borat came along that night? Sipping herbal tea and lamenting the tragedy in Darfur? Give it up boys. If you want to sue someone for humiliating you, sue each other.

Segment 2: Cat Fight!

A judge in Pennsylvania has dismissed harrassment charges against a 14-year-old boy accused of repeatedly meowing at his neighbor.

The 87-year-old neighbor claimed the boy meowed everytime the two crossed paths, after the boy was forced to give his cat away because it was using the neighbor’s flower box as a litter box.

“It has done emotional harm to me,” the neighbor told the Associated Press. “I was the one who was tortured.”

Tortured? That’s a strong word, lady. He meowed.

You should be glad he didn’t get you drunk and make a movie about you.

Segment 3: Next time, take a nap and get over it.

Speaking of intoxicating substances, a Wichita, Kansas, man is in jail after he called police to report he had been robbed at gunpoint. What did he tell the police robbers stole from him? A pound of marijuana, valued at roughly 1,100 dollars. The man told police he had planned to sell the weed in his legitimate home-based business.

The alleged gunman is still at large.

Note to police: Follow the trail of Dorito crumbs. He can’t have made it far.

Segment 4: Blind Injustice

And finally…

The Bush administration has asked a federal judge to overturn a lower court ruling requiring the US government to redesign America’s paper money so that blind people can feel the difference between different denominations. The administration is arguing the redesign would cost too much.

Excuse me? Haven’t we already redesigned our paper money twice in the last few years? Nobody was complaining it was too expensive the last couple of times.

Ahh, but that was before we started having financial problems.

Well, folks, we’re out of time for this edition of Legal Roundup, but be sure to tune in again next week, when hopefully, this report will not exist because I will be able to sleep.

Published on Wednesday, December 13, 2006

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