Just Say Moo

By Dave Fox
Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland

I know you’ve been feeling sad lately. That cow you’ve dreamed of buying for so many years just isn’t affordable, what with the sorry state of the US dollar against the Swiss franc and all. But cheer up. There’s a solution.

Now, you can rent a cow from a Swiss farmer, and you don’t even have to live in Switzerland.

Farmers in the Alps have developed a program in which you can rent one of their cows. The farmers will milk Bessie for you, turn the milk into cheese, and mail the cheese to you. Rental packages range from 255 to 425 Swiss Francs (about 210 to 350 US dollars). Packages include a certificate confirming you are the legal renter of the cow, a photo of your cow, all costs for milking, feeding, and other bovine care, and of course, the shipping of the cheese — anywhere from two to ten kilos, depending on the package you choose. You can even come to Switzerland to visit your cow and have a picnic with it.

Don’t believe me? You will find full details at (The website is in German, but drop them an e-mail in English if you are interested. I’m sure someone there can reply in English.)

Why would anybody want to rent a Swiss cow? For one thing, they are considered the happiest cows in the world. Why are Swiss cows the happiest cows in the world? Because they are all stoned.

Switzerland, which is not part of the European Union, has more liberal drug laws than most of Europe. Farmers here often feed cannabis to their cows … and the cows that get the cannabis typically produce more milk than their straight-laced counterparts.

The practice of cow-doping was officially banned in 2005, and boy do I wish I could have been at that session of Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry.

“I’m worried about our cows. I think it’s time for an intervention.”

Regardless, many farmers are not following the new rules, and agriculture officials say the THC could be finding its way into the milk.

It’s times like this I really hate being lactose intolerant.

Published on Thursday, May 17, 2007

4 Responses to “Just Say Moo”

  1. brrre
    May 31, 2007 at 5:55 PM

    Stupid cows.I would never be cruel enough to eat their food. Why should they cruel enough to eat my ….
    Might be more interesting to eat Swiss chocolate though.

  2. Schuyler T. Wallace
    June 2, 2007 at 3:45 AM

    I remember as a young boy when I was forced to milk a couple of cows every morning, I could survive the ordeal by getting into the tactile experience of massaging udders — any udders, even a cow’s. It might be that the Swiss cows wouldn’t be as offended as mine were. Just a thought, but don’t call me a pervert!

  3. Kathryne Haynes
    July 14, 2007 at 6:13 AM

    Hey Dave,
    This is a good article. I am doing my scrapbooking from our trip in May 13-26, 2007 with you. I was looking for some more information on Swiss cow culture and the renting of the cows. Thanks for the information. I am not lactose intolerant!!!! Thanks for the good information again.

  4. December 17, 2011 at 2:10 AM

    Well, no wonder those cows are expensive to rent. Their farmers take good care of them to produce the best milk and cheese ever. How I wish I can spend time with them! If only I had a plane ticket to Switzerland.

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