Legal Roundup II

By Dave Fox

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for another episode of “Legal Roundup” — the boringly named, occasional series on this blog in which we shine the spotlight on the hard-hitting legal issues important to us all, such as sex with dead animals.

(Links in the titles will take you to the actual news stories. If the links are crossed out, it means the stories are no longer available online. Sorry ’bout that, but I swear they existed when I wrote this!)

Wisconsin Man on Probation After Molesting Dead Deer
Bryan James Hathaway, age 20, of Superior, Wisconsin, has been given a probationary sentence after he was caught getting kinky with a dead deer. The Associated Press reports Hathaway was also arrested two years ago and sentenced to 18 months in prison after he killed a horse and… well, use your imagination.

Or better yet, don’t.

“The type of behavior is disturbing,” Judge Michael Lucci said. “It’s disturbing to the public. It’s disturbing to the court.”

Judge Lucci is absolutely right. Sex with a dead deer is wrong (unless, of course, the dead deer consented), but what I find equally disturbing is that there is actually a law on the books about sex with a dead deer. Did lawmakers actually sit down and write this law? Like… just in case?

“The State of Wisconsin hereby declares it illegal to have sex with a dead deer.” Who came up with that one?

Hathaway has been  evaluated as a sex offender, which means he might have to register with the state of Wisconsin. Let this be a warning to the good people of Superior:  Talk to your dead deer. Know what they are up to, keep tabs on their Internet activities, and teach them to make responsible decisions.

Housewife Convicted of Frying Husband
A housewife in Sao Paolo, Brazil, has been sentenced to 19 years in jail after she allegedly drugged her husband, stabbed him, Ginsued him into small pieces, and whipped up a husband stir-fry on her stove.

Officials are not saying what sort of herbs and spices she used. “It’s her family’s secret recipe,” a Sao Paulo police officer, who asked to remain anonymous, told Legal Roundup.

If you ask me, 19 years in jail is an appropriate sentence for frying up your husband on the stove. Everybody knows the barbecue is a much more savory option, preferably in a lime-ginger marinade.

What Would Jesus Smoke?
Reverend Craig X Rubin has filed a 30-million dollar lawsuit against the Los Angeles Police Department after they raided his church and confiscated his stash of marijuana.

Rubin, an ordained minister and founder of the “Temple 420” church, is charging his civil rights were violated after an undercover officer joined his congregation and purchased a hefty supply of ganja. Rubin’s church, which charges a 100-dollar initiation fee for new members, maintains pot is a religious herb.

“Our congregation mandates members study the Bible, have faith in God
and regularly burn the herb cannabis (The Tree of Life mentioned in the
Bible) as sacrament,” he wrote in his lawsuit.

Personally, I have no opinion on whether or not it’s okay to smoke pot in church. But, man, they must go through a lot of communion wafers!

Published on Sunday, March 25, 2007

2 Responses to “Legal Roundup II”

  1. brrre
    March 29, 2007 at 4:33 PM

    The “deer man” broke the first law we ever heard about; don’t mess with your food!!
    It’s very much like “pølse i rompe” actually.
    There are some things you should not do with food…

  2. April 2, 2007 at 4:34 PM

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