Winter Blast 2008! (!!!!) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!)

By Dave Fox
Seattle, Washington

Finding ridiculous things to blog about during a Seattle snowstorm is about as easy as… wait… I am struggling to not use the “shooting fish in a barrel” cliche…. It’s as easy as… shooting television reporters who are having Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage.

Not that shooting television reporters who are having Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage is particularly easy. Or ethical. But you have to admit it’s a little tempting.

That having been said, before I go any further, allow me to stress that I have not shot any television reporters today, nor am I going to. Writing about such an event, even in hypothetical terms, is risky because if any Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage reporters do get shot today, my front door is now one of the first that cops will be knocking on.

So let me just stress that I am talking in hypothetical terms. Some people play fantasy football online, but they can’t really play football. They are out-of-shape slobs who are sitting in front of their computers eating fat-flavored potato chips. I am an out-of-shape freelance humor writer who sits in front of my computer and plays Fantasy Team Coverage Killer.

In reality, just about everybody in Seattle would like to shoot a Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage reporter. I am not the only one. And I have enough emotional intelligence to not actually carry out such a plan. So, hey police, go arrest everybody else, and leave me alone.

But yes, dear readers, for those of you who do not live in Seattle, we are in the midst of our biggest winter storm (of media hype) all winter. And it’s not even officially winter yet. Nearly half an inch of snow has now fallen outside my condo, and the city is in chaos.

The insanity began yesterday, when “Zero to three inches” of snow were forecast. Well that’s a safe forecast, now, isn’t it? Hell, I am going to stick my neck out and officially predict that zero to seventeen inches of snow will fall in Seattle on July 27, 2013. If my prediction is wrong, I will buy every reader of this blog an ice cream. I will even throw in sprinkles.

But I digress.

What I was getting at, before I went off on my Team Coverage assassination fantasy (IT IS ONLY JUST A FANTASY!!!) is that it is way too easy during a Seattle snow storm to find absurd things to write about. This city thrives on absurdity when snow is forecast. And because I am a lazy-ass hack writer who is procrastinating writing the paid article I should be working on, I am instead going to blog (for free) about the absurdities I have witnessed in the last two hours:

Absurdity #1: Highline Public Schools opened one hour late today. The Highline School District is located south of me, near Seatac Airport. And fine. They are trying to be rugged and not let a snowstorm interfere with educating the youth of America. But here’s what is crazy: Yesterday, when there was no snow at all in Seattle, Highline schools closed. Yesterday, school officials told local media that safety was priority number one, and they were not going to risk sending kids to school, lest a storm move in later. Today, when there is actually snow and ice on the roads, schools in Highline are open.

Ooh! Ooh! Wait, we have breaking news! BREAKING NEWS!!!! (Man, this blog is impressive! I need to get me some Breaking News theme music!) Now, at 8:57 a.m., the Highline School District has just announced that elementary schools will be closed today; however, middle and high schools will remain open. This is because secondary schools have already started, and a handful of students is waiting in classrooms for their teachers, who live in snowier parts of the city and are now dead in ditches along Interstate 5.

Absurdity #2: I wish I had been faster. I wish I had not been sitting, warm and cozy, gobbling a waffle in my favorite neighborhood dive restaurant an hour ago, and had instead had the energy to spring into action and issue a citizens arrest against — I swear, I really saw this — the police officer driving down the street with his back windshield, side windows, and half the front windshield covered with snow.

Personal note to that police officer: After you come to my home and interrogate me as to whether I am the one who shot several Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage reporters, and I convince you that (1) I am not, but (2) would that really be such a bad thing?, I will then come brush the snow off of your windshield.

Because, seriously, Mr. Police Officer, driving around without clearing the snow off your windows is dangerous. You could hit a pedestrian. And that would be bad. Unless they were a Winter Blast 2008 Team Coverage reporter.

Published on Friday, December 19, 2008

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